Diet Anniversary and Channeling Carnac....

People group their friends in lots of different ways (ie, college friends, high school friends, etc). I do those things, too, but have two other categories: friends who knew my when I was skinny, and friends who knew the fat me.

I got fat over the course of about a decade - from roughly 1995 thru 2004. Now, don't snow me and say I wasn't fat. I believe I did carry it well, but there was no denying it. And while there is a bit that's genetic about it, my lifestyle was the "major contributing factor" as the technical parlance goes. Basically, prior to 2004, I was engaging in the "sitting on my ass and eating Ho-Hos diet" (aren't Ho-Hos just the best? Maybe Ding Dongs are better.).

But last year, my lovely wife made the decision that we were both going to go on a diet. Most of you who know me know the story: we went on Atkins right at that lovely time after the holidays, and just into the busy February season. Valentine's Day, our dating Anniversary, both her Mom's birthday and my Dad's - eating occasions.

Nevertheless, we did it. I bitched and moaned - I'm a bit of a chocoholic and had gotten into this nasty habit of having a fresh-baked chocolate chip cookie and an egg cream after dinner. Yum.

And two weeks into it, Jan found out she was pregnant. Thus she was off the diet. And because of my carping, she offered to let me out of our agreement. But you wanna know something? It was working. Imagine that - not stuffing your face full of crap and doing exercise _ACTUALLY_ allows you to lose weight!!!!

So I went through with it. I set mini-goals along the way, started working out in earnest (Thank you, Jenny Sprague!), and the fat started to melt away (or is that rendering?). I hit my original goal of 40 lbs, and said, "What the heck? Let's lose another 10." When I hit that, I was talking to my father-in-law, who is an inch taller than I am, and who, at 60 and slim, was nevertheless being encouraged to lose (literally) a couple of pounds and get down to 212. I figured if he could do that, then there was no reason I couldn't lose an even 60 lbs.

There I was, on July 17, 2004, standing on my scale, and sure enough, I'd hit 204. 60 lbs in just over five months (five months and ten days, to be exact).

Yesterday was my one year anniversary. This morning, I weighed 203.8. Every time I think about going back to my old eating habits, I consider carrying around 60lbs of weights all day, every day.

I'll post before and after pics later.

Now, onto Carnac. Last week, a close friend of mine asked me to do something for a party he was putting together. Specifically, he was interested in my doing a "Carnac" routine. Because this was a post-Bastille day party, he wanted me to make some cuts at the French, and I figured because this was going to be chock-a-block full of GOPers, that I ought to do little Democrat bashing as well.

Understand, after my most recent comedy outing, I've been considering hanging up my shoes once again (long story there). So I was a little gun-shy. But I figured, it's a small crowd of people who know me, and the great thing about Carson's Carnac act was that he always got a few groaners in there.

So, here is the act. Remember, the Carnac act consists of a series of envelopes, in which questions are written. Carnac holds the envelopes to his head and predicts the answers to those questions. The questions are, reportedly, hermetically sealed (in Carson's case, in a mayonaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch. In my case, they were in the freezer at the party, and delivered with a flourish by one of our host's interns...)...

1: Big Ben, Derek Jeter, and the Democrats’ attempts to take down Karl Rove
Name a clock, a jock, and a crock.

2: A Full Moon
What would you see if Michael Moore dropped his pants?

3: Nothing, you’d be struck blind….
What would you see if Candy Crowley dropped her pants?

4: A razor, a bar of soap, and a ray of sunshine.
What are three things that have never been seen by a French woman’s armpits?

5: Two Thousand and Five.
How many Parisians will die from a lack of air conditioning this August?

6: John Kerry, Dick Cheney and Horace Cooper.
Name three people who have never attended a Wednesday lunch.

7: Ted Kennedy says, “Hey, let’s go for a ride... I’ll drive.”
When will Saddam know that his time is up?

8: Ayn Rand
What did Ayn do while being chased?

9: Janet Reno, The Committee for Western Civilization, and Lance Armstrong’s biking shorts.
A: Name three things with more balls than the French.

10: Elitist French obstructionism and this act.
A: What are two things that have gone on for far too long?

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By the way - sorry that the Blog's been sporadic. With my wife away last week, I was left with limited time in which to write and publish. More will be coming this week - especially if the President makes his announcement for a nominee to the high court.

And I want to share my homemade corn fritter experience!!!!

- Andrew